ineke.co.uk

Tried teaching my kids some Roman history… I'm not allowed to do the homeschooling anymore pic.twitter.com/ydnkaA95oJ

— The Dad (@thedad) August 31, 2020

An appalling, shambolic announcement. The worst PM performance I’ve seen.

Every slide clearly showed this trend began and was predicted at the beginning of September. And ignored.

Once again he promises unfounded optimism – a window into his fantasy world

— Peter Kyle MP (@peterkyle) October 31, 2020

As 20:20 vision has been proven rubbish (since nobody could have predicted the events of 2020), it should be proposed that 20:20 vision be renamed 30:30 vision #Manicfesto

— Ben Tucker (@tuckerb93) October 31, 2020

May 2021 – UK still coming to terms with new 17-tier system. Groups of one banned in London. Residents in South Yorkshire prohibited from seeing their reflection.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) October 30, 2020

In March, they could have saved 20,000 lives by locking down 1 week earlier.

This time, to be really sure they defend their title of worst Covid response in Europe, our Groundhog government has left it 6 weeks too late.

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) October 31, 2020

The fact Matt Hancock’s pal Dido Harding is still in place after the £12bn Test & Trace catastrofuck and has even been promoted to head up the new health institute should be of great interest to the PM’s Anti-Corruption Champion who is – *checks notes* – Dido Harding’s husband.

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) November 1, 2020

Sorry I don’t actually know the presenter’s name on the BBC1 news right now but shes done an amazing job driving this programme since 5pm & deserves a medal or at least a strong G&T the minute she’s off air.

— sara cox💙 (@sarajcox) October 31, 2020

When people endlessly tweet at the PM or Gove I wonder if it’s 100% a rhetorical point or if they actually believe the guy glances at his phone and goes ‘shit, Tom’s cross with me again.’

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) November 1, 2020

I reckon the venn diagram of people who are #panicbuying and, those who refuse to wear a mask, is a circle

— Jack D 🏳️‍🌈 (@JackDunc1) November 1, 2020

Seems like a good time to roll out this helpful toilet roll calculator so you can see how little you actually need.#panicbuying #Lockdown2 https://t.co/N3Cl46JnGV

— East of Dulwich (@East_of_Dulwich) October 31, 2020

We are glad the @BBC has removed the Pistorius documentary trailer. We were shocked that the victim, Reeva Steenkamp, was not named. The trailer also suggests the tragedy is the loss of a man's career.

The real tragedy is that a woman's life was ended.https://t.co/pqj8LCve2g

— Women's Aid (@womensaid) October 28, 2020

BREAKING: Prime Minister to announce first 10 people to get to Barnard Castle will be exempt from Lockdown 2.

— Dave (@davechannel) October 31, 2020

There are more grains of sand on Earth than there are winners of The Apprentice.

— Underwhelming Facts (@QuiteWhelming) November 1, 2020

FUN FACT
This tweet should have been sent 5 weeks ago. 👇 https://t.co/afEFP0vN9q

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) November 1, 2020

It's nice up here 😅 pic.twitter.com/H30ROSypav

— Southampton FC (@SouthamptonFC) November 1, 2020

If you’ve missed out on loo roll during the #panicbuying, my book comes out this Thursday. https://t.co/69yMs3vOz5

— James Blunt (@JamesBlunt) November 1, 2020

I really wish the UK had just closed its borders like Australia and New Zealand did as that was a pretty sure fire way to deal with the pandemic.

— Evan Edinger (@EvanEdinger) November 1, 2020

The road to the IKEA in Valladolid, Spain is "Calle Me Falta un Tornillo" – "I’m Missing a Screw Street".

(Image: Google Maps.) pic.twitter.com/FEP40tRy9x

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) November 1, 2020

Prince William reveals he contracted coronavirus in April, having been informed by test and trace over the weekend.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 2, 2020

We all need a bit of a lift today…

…so here’s @BBCSimonMcCoy with another excellent one-liner pic.twitter.com/ZVtKX1qKTS

— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) November 2, 2020

The plumber serviced the boiler today & he found a dead mouse in it.
I said "Oh no, will it need a new mouse?"
He looked at me like I was fucking mental

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) November 2, 2020

Boris Johnson to address Commons on new lockdown measures at 3:30pm. MPs advised to arrive no later than 5 for prompt 7pm start.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 2, 2020

pic.twitter.com/uZiDhhDtJm

— Matt Lucas HQ (@RealMattLucas) October 31, 2020

Reality is the leading cause of stress. JANE WAGNER

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) November 3, 2020

Some football matches are now filmed with AI-powered cameras designed to track the ball during play. Much to the annoyance of viewers, during the recent Inverness Caledonian Thistle vs Ayr United match one camera kept confusing the ball with a bald-headed linesman.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) November 3, 2020

Will never forget Lee Mack telling @Herring1967 about the time he went on Pointless with Bobby Ball pic.twitter.com/b0R3tioWrI

— Sophie Davies (@ItsSophieDavies) October 29, 2020

Spending the couple of days before lockdown doing exactly what you’ll be doing in lockdown.

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) November 2, 2020

New rapid Covid tests could give results in just 15 minutes, allowing them to get lost in the track and trace system almost immediately.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 3, 2020

Brilliantly done. https://t.co/Tms6RoWdM7

— Dara Ó Briain (@daraobriain) November 3, 2020

UK facing ‘medical and moral disaster’ says No 10, or ‘Matt and Boris’ as most people call them.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 3, 2020

Garden centres to remain open during lockdown, as they’re famously quiet in the run-up to Christmas and mainly attract young people.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 3, 2020

could the 2020 writers just go on a break for FIVE MINUTES https://t.co/xcIrDHCzbc

— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) November 3, 2020

Lovely line in today’s Times for CS Lewis fans about how “this miserable year rolls into Covember and a Narnian future in which it is always winter and never Christmas” 👏#CSLewis #Narnia

— Gail Walker (@GWalker9) November 3, 2020

We're down to seven minutes of sunlight a day, there's a second lockdown looming, and America is being VERY America. If tonight’s episode of Bake Off could be approximately four months long, that would be splendid. #GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) November 3, 2020

Dave is adding scrambled egg to his quiche, which is apparently VERY controversial. Here we were thinking every quiche had scrambled egg…#GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) November 3, 2020

Bake Off: "It's a hot day"

Us: "Okay, well it's raining here"

Bake Off: "Absolutely sweltering"

Us: "We've had nothing but grey for three weeks"

Bake Off: "Hottest day of the year"

Us: "STOP RUBBING IT IN"#GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) November 3, 2020

Remember, what ever happens in America tonight, and whoever is elected, they will still say math when they should be saying maths.

— Dave (@davechannel) November 3, 2020

Who could have possibly predicted what would happen in the US election? Paul Merton, apparently… pic.twitter.com/TIk4amjexm

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 4, 2020

Maybe they should just declare it a tie and co-president. Can’t see a problem with that.

— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) November 4, 2020

Eric from the cricket club came to see me a while ago. “I think I love Lizzie but she’s emigrated to Australia. What should I do?” “You know what to do,” he flew to Sydney, missing a critical United away game. We fitted the wedding in today, last service before lockdown. pic.twitter.com/hhsHghHWbp

— Richard Coles (@RevRichardColes) November 4, 2020

Reality check:
A day when the news (I think rightly) only reports that almost all of England’s pubs, restaurants+shops are CLOSING tomorrow… 19mins into the programme.
19 minutes!
It’s practically “And finally… everything’s shut.”
Where’s a cat up a tree when you need it? pic.twitter.com/4gPX1RQO0E

— Paul Kerensa (@paulkerensa) November 4, 2020

Previews of upcoming films were originally shown after the main feature, hence the name 'trailers'.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) November 5, 2020

How do you even begin to defend chanting “stop the count!” where you think you might lose and “count that vote!” where you think you might win? https://t.co/LbSFYCtpBn

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) November 5, 2020

The inventor of the automatic bread slicer took fifteen years to sell the patent. The main reason given was ‘Americans aren’t that lazy’.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) November 5, 2020

It’d be weird if November 5th became celebrated in the US as well as the UK as the day when a maniac tried to destroy the legitimate government.

— Moose Allain (2024 edition) Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) November 5, 2020

To make progress, we have to stop treating our opponents as enemies. We are not enemies.

— Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) November 4, 2020

Amen. I can agree to pray this with you @Franklin_Graham.🙏 https://t.co/PoJISJEUGq

— Shane Claiborne (@ShaneClaiborne) November 4, 2020

If you feel delight when a brother or sister from a different Christian tradition to yours messes up, then you probably would have made an excellent Pharisee. Whatever happens, we're still family.

— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) November 5, 2020

I feel a 2021 Calendar coming on. Submissions now open for awkward Bible verses needing arty graphical representation…. over to you Twitter… https://t.co/k33fGiTmBx

— Phil Knox (@philknox) November 5, 2020

After much in-depth scientific research, we have come to the conclusion that sparklers are actually a bit boring.

We will not be accepting feedback at this time. #BonfireNight pic.twitter.com/GkFwtDHnWA

— innocent drinks (@innocent) November 5, 2020

Tilly Christmas and Keiran White, from Bridport, Dorset married in Bath on Tuesday https://t.co/s0y3hqtBHC

— HuffPost UK (@HuffPostUK) November 5, 2020

When Jesus and his disciples are caught in a storm, the disciples are terrified. “Why are you so afraid?”, Jesus asks. This year we’ve been caught in a storm that often seems overwhelming. But we can look to Jesus, who calms the storm and comforts us in our fear. pic.twitter.com/2T1DoCl2mb

— Archbishop of Canterbury (@JustinWelby) November 5, 2020

I can't get on with my day until I know who is president of a country I do not live in.

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) November 5, 2020

If they both end up with the same number of electoral college votes does it go to a super over? #USElection2020

— Jack Whitehall (@jackwhitehall) November 5, 2020

People follow a fucking maniac who keeps threatening to nuke people on Twitter, yet don't vote for him

People don't follow some dull grandpa account tweeting out messages managed by a team, yet they'll vote for him over the aforementioned fucking maniac

Isn't that interesting🤔 pic.twitter.com/pzPcI40ZfM

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) November 5, 2020

A whole year of waiting for the right moment. Glorious. pic.twitter.com/hzWgdh52tI

— Jacob 🏳️‍🌈 (@OhHeyJacob) November 5, 2020

What he said… https://t.co/QRbosGB1qE

— The Poke (@ThePoke) November 6, 2020

The US electoral college system seems very archaic. It's the popular vote that should count. Why don't they use a system like ours where 43.6% of the vote gets you an 80-seat majority and oh.

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) November 6, 2020

Any other test cricket die-hards feel like it’s prepared you for this rolling election coverage?

Seemingly hours of nothing…but within the nothing is EVERYTHING. Unbelievably fascinating.

I’m gonna miss my new CNN friends.

Biden 253 not out. Captain’s innings.

— Greg James (@gregjames) November 6, 2020

I mean it’s quite something when the actual US President speaks for 30 minutes and then the anchorwoman has to say ‘we should stress, none of that was true’.

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) November 6, 2020

solution: Truman Show Trump for the rest of his life that he won.

— Al Murray – DKMS.ORG.UK 🇺🇦 (@almurray) November 6, 2020

The fact that a lot of Americans believe in make believe voter fraud because ballots are being counted but don’t believe in Covid even though 110,000 people a day are now getting it and deaths will soon be above 250,000 is a pretty damning indictment of how truly low we’ve fallen

— Josh Gad (@joshgad) November 6, 2020

It's 48 days until Christmas so if you start an advent calendar today you'll finish it bang on time to start another one on December 1st.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) November 7, 2020

I fear 253-213 may now have burned into my TV screen and will be faintly visible during the cricket next year.

— Hugh Laurie (@hughlaurie) November 7, 2020

Not even Royal babies take THIS long….

— Simon McCoy (@SimonMcCoyTV) November 7, 2020

Does anyone know which is due to finish first between the Presidential election count, The Covid19 pandemic and the DFS sale? #PresidentialElection2020 #COVID19

— Steve Royle (@steveroylecomic) November 7, 2020

Date: November 2098
Current News Headlines: Results of the 2020 American election are about to be confirmed.

— The Church Sofa (@TheChurchSofa) November 7, 2020

On a golf course somewhere, someone is preparing to approach him with the news.

— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) November 7, 2020

BREAKING: Oval Office furniture.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 7, 2020

However hard we’re celebrating, no-one is celebrating more than our planet right now. #Election2020 https://t.co/yK1STHDiEG

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) November 7, 2020

I’ve lived in NYC my whole life and I’ve never seen anything like this pic.twitter.com/KVZakF7F5n

— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) November 7, 2020

The sound of NYC right now. pic.twitter.com/q6qa3o4tH6

— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) November 7, 2020

Well, the Strictly pre show is getting bigger every week, eh? @bbcstrictly

— Kate Bottley (@revkatebottley) November 7, 2020

So THIS is how the end of a test match is supposed to feel.

— Isy Suttie (@Isysuttie) November 7, 2020