#Eurovision is the greatest event on the planet. What are the rules? Write a song. Should it be good? Shut up. How weird can it be? Yes. Who will win? Not Britain. The greatest event on the planet.
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) May 22, 2021
Wearing all your clothes to the airport to avoid the extra baggage charges #Eurovision pic.twitter.com/zTs4TkM4yg
— Michael Fry (@BigDirtyFry) May 22, 2021
Hmmm. Black and white telly. Reminds me of when the UK used to win…
— Tim Farron (@timfarron) May 22, 2021
I think this system actually works better. For me, it's 2 out of 2 for Russia, Iceland, Germany and Finland. And then I can stop worrying about placing everyone else. https://t.co/er63cLhhta
— Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) May 22, 2021
If you’re wondering why Flo Rida is performing with San Marino, this should clear things up. #Eurovision pic.twitter.com/V1Guuj5egz
— innocent drinks (@innocent) May 22, 2021
Can you vote by carrier pigeon? Is that why this is taking so long? #Eurovision
— innocent drinks (@innocent) May 22, 2021
Whoever wins tonight, thank you #Rotterdam2021 for such an incredible #Eurovision2021, it’s been so amazing to have it back, and back with a real bang too. So much love, so much happiness, so much joy – we’ve all won, thank you! #Eurovision
— Christoph Auckland (@ChrisAuckland) May 22, 2021
THIS WAIT IS LONGER THAN
— innocent drinks (@innocent) May 22, 2021
• A limo
• War and Peace
• Long life batteries
• Mr Tickle's arms
• A horse's face
• The DFS sale
• The time ripen-at-home avocados take to ripen at home
• Peter Crouch lying down
• The distance The Proclaimers are prepared to walk#Eurovision
Lithuania, Malta and Iceland to break off and form a Eurovision Super League. #Eurovision
— Jack Whitehall (@jackwhitehall) May 22, 2021
Motivational quote: "Shoot for the moon – if you miss you'll be among the stars"
— innocent drinks (@innocent) May 22, 2021
The UK: "If we don't come last it's an improvement"#Eurovision
Twelve points to France?! Get Amanda Holden on the sodding phone! #Eurovision
— Elizabeth Windsor (parody) (@Queen_UK) May 22, 2021
This is the part of the evening where the whole UK gets to remember what it’s like to be picked last for PE. #Eurovision
— innocent drinks (@innocent) May 22, 2021
Next year we should embrace it and just have an act called Neil Pwann. #Eurovision
— Paul Kerensa (@paulkerensa) May 22, 2021
The UK will remain in #Eurovision whilst getting no points every year out of sheer stubborness and just to make things awkward for everyone.
— Dave (@davechannel) May 22, 2021
BREAKING NEWS
— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) May 22, 2021
UK & Germany to form #Eurovision Super League
Only legacy fans will be allowed to vote.
As I hear Graham Norton explaining that the Romanian presenter used to be an Olympic gymnast I find myself imagining viewers all over Europe having Amanda Holden explained. “She used to be married to Les Dennis”
— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) May 22, 2021
Well, we're consistent if nothing else. #Eurovision
— innocent drinks (@innocent) May 22, 2021
How ironic that, on the night Glastonbury faces live streaming problems, the alternative music attraction is a song contest created 65 years ago to showcase the potential of satellite broadcast technology. #Eurovision
— Martin Talbot (@MartinTalbot) May 22, 2021
The lovely thing is that this has been a night when my timeline has been 90% talking about the same thing, opinions have been wildly different and yet no one has been abusive. Maybe we should only use Twitter for Eurovision.
— Patrick Kidd (@patrick_kidd) May 22, 2021
If the UK getting zero in Eurovision isn't a sign of the world slowly returning to normal, we don't know what is. #Eurovision
— innocent drinks (@innocent) May 22, 2021
I’d be happy to throw my hat in the ring for #Eurovision 2022
— Bill Bailey (@BillBailey) May 23, 2021
You: “Spoiler alert!”
— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) May 22, 2021
Me, an intellectual: pic.twitter.com/IS8EHerhas
This is Mona Lisa. She always tries to start a conga line at the park. 14/10 someone please join her #SeniorPupSaturday pic.twitter.com/dEfkdI1xa4
— WeRateDogs® (@dog_rates) May 22, 2021
Fair point pic.twitter.com/IYKEbM5yUP
— Emma Hardy MP (@EmmaHardyMP) May 22, 2021
Elijah Wood. Wood Elijah. pic.twitter.com/ET9BQlm4NN
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) May 23, 2021
I believe in preaching but I do think in the New Testament we see debate & conversation as more normative in that culture. I also believe dialogue rather than monologue is empowering for people without a voice and is more engaging for working class estates
— Beechy (@mrbeechy) May 23, 2021
Fact of the day – Gordon Brown’s government is the only one in British history not to contain a single Etonian
— Andrew Adonis (@Andrew_Adonis) May 24, 2021
Repetitive songs aren't new.
— Church Dad Jokes (@MrChurchGuy) May 24, 2021
Psalm 136 repeats "His love endures forever" 26 times.
But, then again, there are 149 other Psalms that don't
Absolutely fuming at the sale in Aldi. That’s a huge discount, I spent £7000 on those last week. pic.twitter.com/L9k8G1fTd5
— Daniel Holland🎗 (@DannyDutch) May 24, 2021
Well, that's it for humanity. We've had a decent run but if bees have mastered the screw-top lid I think this is the beginning of the end. pic.twitter.com/XyHonJ2q73
— Michael Moran (@TheMichaelMoran) May 25, 2021
What a lovely November day.
— Victoria Coren Mitchell (@VictoriaCoren) May 25, 2021
As the number of online scams grows, I think I have a solution. We need a .con domain.
— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) May 26, 2021
If we just make all the scams register as a .con we'll all know they're cons and be able to avoid them.
I can see no flaw in this plan at all.
I did the big food shop this morning and when I got home couldn’t find my bank card, panicked, I blocked my card, retraced my steps but no joy.
— Kate Bottley (@revkatebottley) May 26, 2021
I decided to have a bath to calm down.
And that’s how I found my bank card in my bra. #wednesday
The most chilled man in the UK https://t.co/ZjdbQNZBJk
— Shappi Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) May 26, 2021
Welcome to the 21st Century where the only way to appeal a penalty charge notice from @TfL is to write a letter and PUT IT IN THE POST (yes – with an actual stamp). Apparently they've never heard of email.
— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) May 27, 2021
How we are remembering the date – Monday, one day, Tuesday, two day, Wednesday, when? what day? Thursday, the third day! #FriendsReunion is on NOW 👏 pic.twitter.com/djjGimTuT6
— NOW (@NOW) May 26, 2021
A number of people have already pointed out that this is very Alan Partridge. But the most Partridgean part of it, by far, is, as the difficult question comes in, the "can't stop, running! bye-bye now" backwards wave. https://t.co/0GzVrqy0pa
— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) May 27, 2021
The Small Group Spectrum
— Church Dad Jokes (@MrChurchGuy) May 26, 2021
1. Bible Study
2. Bible Study + Snack
3. Bible Study + Meal
4. Meal + Bible Study
5. Meal + Devotional Reading
6. Fellowship Meal
Imagine waking up and thinking ‘you know what really needs taking down – that kids film from 20 years ago’https://t.co/RvmQpq4PL7
— Liam Thorp 💙 (@LiamThorpECHO) May 18, 2021
The plumbing situation really took away my suspension of disbelief of a film about an ogre and his magical talking donkey trying to break a witch's curse pic.twitter.com/R6fqOTXb0Z
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) May 18, 2021
Happy #Caturdaypic.twitter.com/jidDhVEfAN
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 29, 2021
Fun activities to do this bank holiday weekend!
— Dave (@davechannel) May 29, 2021
– Plan to do some DIY you've been putting off
– Plan to do some tidying you've been putting off
– Plan to go somewhere nice because you deserve it
– Realise the last 15 months have drained all your energy and just sit on the sofa
Saw this on Facebook and thought it was lovely. pic.twitter.com/oEkOoOytFf
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) May 29, 2021
I asked my year 1 classes 'What's the one thing you need to be an adult?'
— George Pointon (@GeorgePointon_) May 28, 2021
Here is my analysis;
A THREAD
ineke.co.uk 
Anything to add...?