Some brilliant bathrooms (and some rubbish ones that I’d just scroll past…).
Reasons people give for judging others.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/HarryPotterTheHogwartsWizard/posts/4118981704864954/
Rishi Sunak and I don't need to self isolate, as we are taking part in a pilot scheme to assess the impact of having one rule for us and another for everyone else. https://t.co/zUbOyzs3qZ
— Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) July 18, 2021
So far, members of this govt can:
— Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) July 18, 2021
1. Go to work instead of self-isolate
2. Ravish employees at work instead of socially distance
3. Test their eyes on 600 mile road trips instead of obey lockdown
4. Hand billion pound contacts out like smarties to mates
I dream of decency đ
Hundreds of thousands of young people, including my children, had their education and lives repeatedly turned upside down again and again after dutifully and responsibly isolating. And now this. Anger doesnât begin to cover it. https://t.co/4XylB29M9q
— Jonathan Bartley (@jon_bartley) July 18, 2021
Remember when leaders led by example?
— Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) July 18, 2021
500k of us are currently isolating after being contacted by the NHS Covid app.
But @BorisJohnson & @RishiSunak – conveniently enrolled in a pilot – wonât be.
One rule for them.
Every. Single. Time. https://t.co/ybkKvDRTF7
Government:
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) July 18, 2021
In a few weeks up to a million people could be forced to self-isolate
Government:
But not us pic.twitter.com/MWsjlKEZrZ
This is such a lucky government. First Gove, then Johnson and Sunak all randomly chosen at random for a random pilot scheme that allows them to avoid self-isolation. Amazing!
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) July 18, 2021
I was JOKING https://t.co/1KMIaot3dN
— Adam Wagner (@AdamWagner1) July 18, 2021
Acceptable excuses for breaking the law/rules, update:
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) July 18, 2021
It was in a limited and specific way
It was unintentional (Patel)
I was following natural justice (Jenrick)
I was following the instinct of any father
I was having an eye test
The matter is closed
Iâm on a pilot scheme
Where weâre at:
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) July 18, 2021
Health Sec has Covid despite being fully vaccinated
Half population not fully vaccinated
PM/Sunak tried not to self-isolate
1.6m told to self-isolate last week
Highest daily cases in world
Hospitals already struggling
CONCLUSION
Lift restrictions!
When I was writing my article last week, I was told those selected for testing – rather than isolation – were chosen at random. We're meant to believe Boris and Rishi were both "randomly" chosen. They think we're idiots.
— (((Dan Hodges))) (@DPJHodges) July 18, 2021
Its almost like they know millions self-isolating undermines their countrycidal âFreedom Dayâ.
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) July 18, 2021
So by not self-isolating themselves they push everyone else not to do it.
ÂŁ37bn on Test & Trace and now theyâre making sure itâs ignored.
Weâll be back in lockdown in weeks.
If you cook and eat a Sunday Roast today in this weather then you need to seek medical attention immediately.
— Rob Beckett (@robbeckettcomic) July 18, 2021
âWe did look brieflyâ at the pilot scheme to avoid full self isolation ⌠long enough to send out a press release saying that was the plan https://t.co/SJl7fS4qYT
— Laura Kuenssberg (@bbclaurak) July 18, 2021
The PMâs decision not to isolate⌠and then to U turn when the predictable backlash appears⌠conforms to a depressing pattern. We are led by a character without character.
— Tim Farron (@timfarron) July 18, 2021
I hope the u-turn doesnât compromise the definitely real pilot that was being run.
— Stig Abell (@StigAbell) July 18, 2021
Damage is done. https://t.co/PTlmqeJZbQ
— Emma Kennedyđ (@EmmaKennedy) July 18, 2021
We sang âwhen I surveyed the wondrous crossâ in the church car park this morning after the service. Joyous, heartbreaking, truth-filled hymn. I so want to be free to sing it inside soon, but letâs remember that loving our neighbour will always mean giving up some of our ârightsâ.
— Tim Farron (@timfarron) July 18, 2021
BREAKING NEWS pic.twitter.com/1md8kFrzy9
— james menzies (@jamesmenzies1) July 17, 2021
I will never use the word âstaycationâ again.
— Steph McGovern (@StephLunch) July 17, 2021
Of all the things Iâve said in the last 15 years, this seems to be the most controversial. đ¤Ł
I have a comb I'm not using if you want one https://t.co/D6TSITJhwu
— Matt Lucas (@RealMattLucas) July 18, 2021
Reminder: they did not â briefly consider not isolatingâ They sent out a minister to do all the media rounds to defend the policy. Lying lying liars who lie. The end.
— Emma Kennedyđ (@EmmaKennedy) July 18, 2021
Glad Iâm ok. Very disappointed with being taken out like this. The penalty given does not help us and doesnât do justice to the dangerous move Lewis made on track. Watching the celebrations while still in hospital is disrespectful and unsportsmanlike behavior but we move on pic.twitter.com/iCrgyYWYkm
— Max Verstappen (@Max33Verstappen) July 18, 2021
I have decided that I am taking part in a pilot scheme where I donât have to pay any rent. https://t.co/Z3d69grcxv
— Michael (@Michael_Dunn4) July 18, 2021
Absolutely no point in attempting to get my kids to go to bed far too hot. When they collapse with tiredness Iâll scoop them up and put them in bed.
— Rob Beckett (@robbeckettcomic) July 18, 2021
So looking forward to the end of covid in 2 hours and 17 minutes.
— Richard K Herring (@Herring1967) July 18, 2021
Do other countries have a cat that constantly pads around outside their Prime Ministerâs official residence and appears in the background of every TV news report from there, or is it just us?
— Red Sky At Night (@redskyatnight) July 18, 2021
Tomorrow people in England arenât being given freedom by the government; theyâre being handed the blame for what comes next. Please take care of yourselves and each other x
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) July 18, 2021
Astonishing anamorphic portrait of Nikola Tesla by Patrik PrĂ´sko, constructed from electrical appliances,
— đ Jane đą (@localnotail) July 18, 2021
on display in the Illusion Art Museum in Prague, CZ#Incroyable pic.twitter.com/9kQQMoPKjq
A country where the government don't lead by example is a country in trouble. A country where the government ignore the rules they make their citizens obey, lie habitually and knowingly endanger the lives of many (and risk even greater global suffering) is a country lost.
— Chris đˇ (@imageplotter) July 18, 2021
Iâm guessing this pilot scheme wonât go to series.
— Matt Owen (@MJowen174) July 18, 2021
âYou, my brothers and sisters, were called to freedom. But do not use your freedom as an opportunity for self-indulgence; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: âLove your neighbor as yourself.â
— Patrick J L Davies (@RevPatrickD) July 19, 2021
[Galatians 5:13-14]
"We must think about the mental health of the nation and ease the restrictions!"
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) July 19, 2021
"What about the mental health of the people who now feel more anxious than ever as the variants run rampant across the country"
"Oh them? They can shut the fuck up"
There isnât a person in the country who doesn't long for this nightmare over.
— Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) July 19, 2021
Everyone has lost so much. Loved ones. Jobs. Homes. Peace of mind. Social contact. Confidence.
But we canât make it go away by closing our eyes & declaring âFreedomâ.@BorisJohnson has given up.
You know whatâs really annoying: I would love nothing more than for everything to open up and feel safe. And I probably would have if weâd opened up after everyoneâs been double jabbed, and weâd lowered infections. For having this view Iâm told I love lockdown by cranks.
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) July 19, 2021
Happy Jaws Day everyone! https://t.co/Av8txx4lNf
— Emma Kennedyđ (@EmmaKennedy) July 19, 2021
Why donât unsavoury and sweet mean the same thing when describing a person?
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) July 18, 2021
England: You can take our lives but youâll never take our Freedom Day!
— Hal Cruttenden (@Halcruttenden) July 19, 2021
Covid: Okay, Iâll take your lives.
âStaff shortages caused by large numbers of workers being pinged by the NHS app.â @BBCr4today đ¤
— Caroline Russell (@CarolineRussell) July 19, 2021
â The App is just doing its job.
â Thereâs lots of pings because thereâs lots of transmission.
â Relaxing restrictions has consequences for our health AND our economy.
Sir please you cannot come into Gregg's in your underpants
— Dr Philip Lee (@drphiliplee1) July 18, 2021
Me: pilot scheme
I beg you pardon sir
Can't be a person in UK who doesn't want this nightmare over. It's separated us from loved ones, disrupted lives and brought unemployment, misery and death to our doorsteps. But just picking an arbitrary date and declaring it over does not end it. Beware Covid 19. Beware populism
— Otto English (@Otto_English) July 18, 2021
BREAKING: The phrase 'avoid it like the plague' no longer means 'avoid forever' but now means 'avoid it until you get bored of it and carry on like normal'
— Dave (@davechannel) July 19, 2021
It's a hot day, everyone has windows open and I live by a violin teacher. So far so good, but this could turn.
— Jess Phillips MP (@jessphillips) July 19, 2021
If you're wondering how intelligent the anti-lockdown/anti-masker crowd is, they are currently out and about protesting restrictions that lifted 15 hours ago.
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) July 19, 2021
My local Sainsburyâs have removed the clear screens between each self service till. Whilst I understand restrictions have been lifted, I find it odd that you would actively remove a physical measure which helps to keep people safe.
— PrimaryCoHead (@PrimaryCoHead) July 19, 2021
Most middle class thing ever – large vine tomatoes are considered a high risk item for theft in Waitrose, so staff need to check self checkout bags when you're buying them.
— ianVisits (@ianvisits) July 19, 2021
Makes a change from worrying about people stealing bottles of vodka and packs of razer blades.
Intrigued by this protest march for something which has basically already come about. Feels like a good way of getting a win. I'm going to march for a smoking ban aboard planes, and dog ownership to become legal.
— Mark Watson, the guy with that book, 'Contacts' (@watsoncomedian) July 19, 2021
Hmmmm ordered rocket lollies for the kids and @waitrose sent Pimms Pops instead, I feel like theyâve really got my back đ pic.twitter.com/7z5MlgtO8J
— Daisies and Pie (@DaisiesandPieUK) July 19, 2021
A friendly reminder that even if you hate art, we do have air conditioning
— Royal Academy (@royalacademy) July 19, 2021
"If we don't open up now we may face even tougher restrictions later".
— Ben (@bmf1g10) July 19, 2021
This makes no sense to me. pic.twitter.com/Ov1J9HCf7x
Is there anywhere I can sign up for this though https://t.co/yDw6EesFeE
— Stig Abell (@StigAbell) July 19, 2021
For what it's worth, I'm still wearing a mask. As someone here put it, it's more comfortable than a ventilator.
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) July 19, 2021
Nightclubs: both so dangerous youâll need to be double vaccinated and fine to go in for two months with or without 1-2 vaccines
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) July 19, 2021
Who called them vaccine passports and not Covisas.
— Dave (@davechannel) July 20, 2021
I've spent all day admitting COVID patients to ICU.
— Peter Hampshire (@peterahampshire) July 19, 2021
How was your #FreedomDay ?
But remember, thereâs no money for a proper pay rise for nurses or to feed hungry kids. https://t.co/h6gpYdtnit
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) July 20, 2021
Sue Perkins announced as next host of BBC Radio 4âs #JustAMinutehttps://t.co/RHiiIkZZ0p pic.twitter.com/bb5MvcEecn
— Radio Times (@RadioTimes) July 20, 2021
Sad I'll no longer be able to play my favourite game, but both delighted and honoured to be the new host of it. #justaminute
— Sue Perkins đ (@sueperkins) July 20, 2021
Not once in his press conference did @BorisJohnson refer to the clinically vulnerable, the cancelled cancer operations & liver transplants, the 13 hour waits in A&E.
— Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) July 19, 2021
He u-turned so glibly, just a jolly old game.
But these are *people*.
It couldnât be more deadly serious đ
Feed the world or blast yourself into space. Such a tough call. #bezos
— Sophie Walker (@SophieRunning) July 20, 2021
Still as fresh as ever today:) https://t.co/0biqHHuyUx
— Kate Robbins (@KateRobbins) July 19, 2021
a timeline of my day thus far pic.twitter.com/Aq1rbBrnr6
— The Author, SĂŠamas O'Reilly (@shockproofbeats) July 19, 2021
Jemima Puddleduck
— Maggie Richens (@whimbrella) July 19, 2021
If you think Covid is a hoax, then there is a huge business opportunity for you. Set up an insurance company for the film & TV industry, indemnify against Covid cases at very low premiums. If you are right you will never have to pay out and you'll make a fortune. #GoForIt
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) July 20, 2021
Dear @BorisJohnson This is the note my neighbour left me. The over 80s are keeping a close eye on you #Covid19UK pic.twitter.com/FCAPK3pDIu
— Dr Laura Ovenden đ (@OvendenLaura) July 20, 2021
Just heard @spectator are planning to run a story on me tomorrow about how I have benefitted commercially in the last 18 monthsâŚTo clarify, I donât need to partner with brands. I partner because I want to progress the work I do off the pitch andâŚ(1)
— Marcus Rashford MBE (@MarcusRashford) July 20, 2021
Ratings. Nigel Farage pulled in an average of 96,000 viewers for his debut on #GBNews last night.
— Ian Hyland (@HylandIan) July 20, 2021
Itâs an improvement, but hardly worth shouting about.
Which may be why none of the GB army has been shouting about it.
That interview. Shocking how Cummings, who said Britain had had enough of being run by unelected bureaucrats, blatantly feels he and his gang had the right to run Britain as unelected bureaucrats.
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) July 20, 2021
Watched The Dominic Cummings interview tonight. Completely unrelated, but am also really enjoying an audiobook by @jonronson lately. Itâs called The Psychopath Test.
— Sam Hailes Ů (@samhailes) July 20, 2021
I switched to Airplane mode and all the contacts in my phone changed to Shirley.
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) July 21, 2021
STUCK FOR WORDS
— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) July 20, 2021
The problem
of writingpoems
inhot weather
isthatthe words
getsweaty
and sticktogether.
If someone in Sicily read this. pic.twitter.com/7stcBRcnLy
— Antonello Guerrera (@antoguerrera) July 21, 2021
Days ago they sacked a presenter for expressing an opinion. 𤪠pic.twitter.com/JPnu3jzijH
— Emma Kennedyđ (@EmmaKennedy) July 21, 2021
What do we want? Air con! When do we want it? About 5 days a year.
— Sam Hailes Ů (@samhailes) July 21, 2021
Me: Remember, you can be anything you want to be.
— cluedont (@cluedont) July 21, 2021
Son: A potato?
Me: No.
Happy Ď Approximation Day everyone! In the spirit of the occasion: remember to celebrate slightly more than you should. #piday
— Matt Parker (@standupmaths) July 22, 2021
I mean itâs a clever ploy to adopt âpingdemicâ as if an app is the problem. If we didnât have a surge in cases, people wouldnât be contacted.
— Emma Kennedyđ (@EmmaKennedy) July 22, 2021
The problem is cases surging. Not an app trying to stop more infections.
All this pingdemic talk reminds me of that scene in Chernobyl when they turned down their Geiger counters because they were clicking too much.
— Gray Williams (@gray_books) July 22, 2021
You donât want compulsory tests, you donât want vaccinations, you donât want lockdowns, you donât want to be declined entry from certain places⌠but you want covid to go away đđ make it make sense
— Pistachio đŽđˇ (@HarleyShah) July 21, 2021
Boris Johnson has just admitted that the UK is in the middle of a third wave of coronavirus and so cannot, apparently, have a Covid public enquiry. However, we can reopen nightclubs. You could not make this insanity up.
— Richard Murphy (@RichardJMurphy) July 21, 2021
Posts from people who live in countries that constantly have very high temperatures mocking the UK for not being able to cope in the heat piss me right off.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) July 22, 2021
WE. DONâT. HAVE. AIR. CON.
AND WEâRE USED TO USUALLY STILL NEEDING TO WEAR A CARDIGAN AND CARRY AN UMBRELLA IN JULY.
The app is doing itâs job; the high number of cases is because the government arenât. https://t.co/FTEE2iyc6I
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) July 22, 2021
Re: Mark Driscoll – I keep hearing some version of âyes he was sexist, homophobic and a bully, but he was SO good at preaching the Word.â
— Zach W. Lambert (@ZachWLambert) July 21, 2021
No. It doesnât work like that.
If youâre constantly marginalizing people, you arenât good at the Bible. Those things are mutually exclusive.
The moment Labour MP Dawn Butler asked to leave House of Commons after refusing to withdraw claims PM Boris Johnson "lied to the House and the country over and over again"https://t.co/Gb8EbCty4l pic.twitter.com/Tbd4X5QKOo
— BBC Politics (@BBCPolitics) July 22, 2021
Guide To Standards For MPs:
— Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) July 22, 2021
Acceptable Behaviour:
Telling lies in Parliament
Unacceptable Behaviour:
Pointing out when someone tells lies in Parliament#BorisJohnsonIsAliar
Regardless of the rights and wrongs of yesterday, or any political allegiance, itâs probably time that proven lying should be allowed to be called out in parliament, no?
— Gary Lineker đ (@GaryLineker) July 23, 2021
Once, when Winston Churchill wanted to call out a lie, he referred to it as a 'terminological inexactitude'
— John Cleese (@JohnCleese) July 23, 2021
Apparently this is totally acceptable in the House of Commons
It's going to be used a lot while Boris is in power
Future #Pointless contestants, please treat the #OpeningCeremony as revision.
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) July 23, 2021
If weâre talking 2012 Olympics again, I feel it isnât mentioned enough that the culture secretary saw the opening ceremony and gave the note âitâs good but can we put a Hitler in itâ pic.twitter.com/c59a3jizib
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) July 23, 2021
Andrew Cotter and Graham Norton – that would be the dream team for commentating the opening ceremony. Though this is a good combination toođđ#bbcolympics
— Sarah (@tartantroos) July 23, 2021
Given that #TheHundred has clearly decided against using the term âoverâ, why are they going for the rather ungainly âset of fiveâ when âfiverâ is just there, sitting waiting? Maybe it sounds too like âfive-forâ? Anyway, it feels like the right word.
— Chris Addisonđ (@mrchrisaddison) July 23, 2021
Yvette Cooper – "I don't think there's anybody in the country who thinks that your border policy worked to prevent the Delta variant spreading right across the country… so it's troubling that you're(Priti Patel) effectively saying that the policy did work…" pic.twitter.com/jehWdNSRrP
— Haggis_UK đŹđ§ đŞđş (@Haggis_UK) July 21, 2021
I asked my year 1 classes to give me some 'Pearls of Wisdom' to live by
— George Pointon (@GeorgePointon_) July 23, 2021
Here is my analysis;
A THREAD
Why have they deleted it though? The plot thickens!! As does the pile of elastic bands at the bottom of postboxes! https://t.co/8zJYvygVWj
— Isy Suttie đ (@Isysuttie) July 23, 2021
When we did Only Connect, I learned all the chemical elements by atomic number. Youâd be surprised how rarely that comes in handy IRL. Anyway, today my wife was doing a quiz online & it finally came up! Unfortunately it was a quiz in Russian & turns out they have different names.
— James Harkin (@JamesHarkin) July 23, 2021
I love nuanced commentary. There's just not enough of it on Twitter… đBut here's some đ https://t.co/y2R0HFft7c
— Jo C (@joacie) July 24, 2021
How do you have a Mr Blobby Twitter account and not make all the tweets âBlobby Blobby Blobbyâ? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON I DEMAND ANSWERS AND/OR SOMEONEâS RESIGNATION #Blobby #Blobby #Blobby pic.twitter.com/3Vo8POmQXg
— Chris Hewitt (@ChrisHewitt) July 24, 2021
The Royal National Lifeboat Institution is a voluntary body that exists to save lives. Itâs hard to comprehend how twisted someoneâs views would have to be to verbally abuse them. https://t.co/1YpdZm6MNf
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) July 24, 2021
Hatred.
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) July 24, 2021
How it starts How itâs going pic.twitter.com/atRQIkuueD
Working on my splits with @teambelgium gymnastics đ đ§đŞđˇđ¸đđź @ninaderwael @mae_gym #Tokyo2020 pic.twitter.com/xOOIBYldph
— Novak Djokovic (@DjokerNole) July 24, 2021
— John Fleming (@thejohnfleming) July 24, 2021
Nothing more disappointing than a baked potato thatâs decided to end it all pic.twitter.com/eRzcpMsjtD
— Adrian Edmondson (@AdrianEdmondson) July 24, 2021
âWe hope gymnasts uncomfortable in the usual outfits will feel emboldened to follow our example.â đhttps://t.co/hQDjTmpo0j
— Metro (@MetroUK) July 24, 2021
Watching Sense and Sensibility and it occurs to me that all the lovely houses they live in, shaded with noble trees and silvered with age, would have been new builds then and looked like footballer mansions. pic.twitter.com/6JN1nsLKI7
— Richard Coles (@RevRichardColes) July 24, 2021
Latest from the opinium pals pic.twitter.com/enXZ4yPag4
— Ed (@Statistitching) July 24, 2021
Itâs been an honour commentating the gymnastics today. pic.twitter.com/ZaBeoNRkNi
— Joe Tracini (@joetracini) July 24, 2021
oh well seeing as itâs the olympics again https://t.co/2a9wv9dFUt
— Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) July 24, 2021
ineke.co.uk 
Anything to add...?