ineke.co.uk

If the masked winger isn't @Chris_Stark doing pancakes I will not be happy.

— Will Broom (@whbroom012) September 4, 2021

Nothing worse than a dry nectarine. One of life’s greatest disappointments.

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) September 5, 2021

Some personal news pic.twitter.com/giBbelrmyT

— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) September 5, 2021

Greg Davies, Alex Horne, Boris Johnson, Daniel Radcliffe, Greg Wallace and maybe Jesus if he’s not booked during filming

— Jake Colling (@jakecolling_) September 2, 2021

With Bob Mortimer and Joe Wilkinson as the hosts!

— Kirsty (@TygrrsEye) September 2, 2021

ABBA are the only palindromic act to have a palindromic hit (SOS) in a palindromic genre (pop)

— SHANE REACTION (@imshanereaction) September 4, 2021

💚 pic.twitter.com/6oOJyGpuvY

— Local Alejandra Ruins Everything (@exploding_girl) September 5, 2021

In case the Sainsbury’s security guard wants to know why I’ve stripped off outside the gents… pic.twitter.com/fa0ggcH8nj

— Paul Kerensa (@paulkerensa) September 5, 2021

F̶l̶i̶p̶p̶i̶n̶g̶ t̶h̶e̶ b̶i̶r̶d̶
The bird, flipping pic.twitter.com/zoX1OKJKpk

— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) September 5, 2021

Remembering, with envy and regret, the generous abandon of my first few squeezes from this toothpaste tube, as I gamely eke out the final cloggings at the end. When will we learn?

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) September 6, 2021

That’s game over already for the marriage surely… 😂😂😂 https://t.co/atsk8E6lTt

— Chris Stark (@Chris_Stark) September 7, 2021

People in the UK…"It's a short 30 minute walk."

People in the US…"It's a short 3 hour drive."

— Joe Henegan (@Joe_Henegan) September 7, 2021

Grant Shapps unveils his solution for the shortage of lorry drivers: pic.twitter.com/66yMgJn2iv

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) September 7, 2021

Saw a guy pushing a pram while on roller skates AND on phone. Dad and kid both happy. I nearly stopped him and asked how much he’d charge to run my life from here.

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) September 7, 2021

That’s tomorrow’s breakfast show sorted then. Night guys x https://t.co/UqWF1DvOPM

— Greg James (@gregjames) September 7, 2021

2016: We're going to take back control of our fishing industry.
2021: Is it just me or does this fish taste like actual crap?#Brexit pic.twitter.com/2VeazguBfs

— The Poke (@ThePoke) September 8, 2021

If you post this chart five times a boomer comes round your house and bores you to death complaining about how they didn’t buy takeaways pic.twitter.com/C2mZdVS21s

— Lucy Watson (@Lucywwatson) September 6, 2021

Genuinely one of the strangest exchanges I've seen in a gov't presser.

LK: Not everyone will pay. In fact the poorest will pay.

BJ: Yes, but everyone will benefit.

THAT'S THE POINT. pic.twitter.com/HhkOaapVvp

— Alex Andreou (@sturdyAlex) September 7, 2021

If Jeff Bezos stopped earning any money, and used the rest of his life to spend a million dollars a day, it’d take him 410 years to get to the end of it. pic.twitter.com/5QfdvbAv93

— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) September 8, 2021

Note to self. Next time you try and have a break from the booze. Don’t count the days on your twitter account that has half a million followers. The pressure is intense.

— Rob Beckett (@robbeckettcomic) September 8, 2021

A guide to going out:
1. Worry about going out and having to be sociable for about a week before you have to actually go out
2. Go out
3. This is worse than you could have ever imagined there are people everywhere and none of this is your sofa

— Dave (@davechannel) September 8, 2021

Going to spend the evening ringing Tory MPs from a withheld number…😉 https://t.co/x41nBPums1

— Tim Farron (@timfarron) September 8, 2021

Every recipe requiring shallots: requires one shallot
Every shop selling shallots: only sells bags of 20 shallots

— Chaminda Jayanetti (@cjayanetti) September 8, 2021

I don’t mean to be unkind… but the irony is that this tweet is both ignorant and divisive! https://t.co/L4mE6AGamB

— Tim Farron (@timfarron) September 8, 2021

It’s not uncommon to hear of people leaving paid employment to do ‘the thing they love’.
Less common to hear of people leaving ‘the thing they love, but turn out not to be that great at’, and returning to paid employment.
Anyone done it?

— Dave Walker (@davewalker) September 8, 2021

I am so grateful for my parents. I didn’t realize until very recently how lucky I was to not be raised by psychopaths. https://t.co/iYpYIOBRWN

— Josh Gad (@joshgad) September 9, 2021

Why cant millennials afford homes?

Av House prices:

1970: £4057
2021: £ 250, 772 (62x increase)

Av Annual pay:

1970: £1204
2021: £29,600 (24.6x increase)

1970: House is 3.37 x salary
2021: House is 8.47 x salary

Now tell us we are lazy.

— Dr Janaway (@drjanaway) September 8, 2021

Ikea to open store on London’s Oxford St – famed for its easy access and cheap parking.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) September 10, 2021

pic.twitter.com/IFxVpIhKjl

— Alex Horne (@AlexHorne) September 10, 2021

Charles Dickens was a journalist before he became an author – he worked for two local newspapers
– it was the Bicester Times and it was the Worcester Times

— jam (@jammzin) September 9, 2021

I am obsessed with my neighbour’s dog Duke…he’s one of many lockdown pups now being rehomed. (£4k daschunds were going for….I said to ‘people, give a year and you’ll get one for free’) HE IS ROYALTY. pic.twitter.com/l1DA5izofi

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) September 10, 2021

I find the injunction ‘think for yourself' very stirring – until I remember that I could never have conceived of 99% of the concepts I rely on every day to survive. I’m extremely grateful to those who have thought for me.

— Hugh Laurie (@hughlaurie) September 10, 2021

Great news, as picking up stuff from distribution centres and delivering it to shops famously involves not reversing HGVs pic.twitter.com/Y2TPahrhfQ

— carpet (@WHS_Carpet) September 10, 2021