https://www.facebook.com/groups/RecipesAmishandMore/posts/1911270222379028/
Lee Mack has scored more goals than arsenal have points.#socceraid2021
— LFCbryan (@Trent_66_) September 4, 2021
18 months on covid wards, A&E, ambulance operations and all other Covid areas, and I get Covid-19 at a festival. I guess there’s something to be said about face masks, hand washing and PPE 😩 #covid #NurseTwitter pic.twitter.com/xPt2pNOKXQ
— Mari (@stnmarika) September 4, 2021
If the masked winger isn't @Chris_Stark doing pancakes I will not be happy.
— Will Broom (@whbroom012) September 4, 2021
Nothing worse than a dry nectarine. One of life’s greatest disappointments.
— Shaparak Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) September 5, 2021
Some personal news pic.twitter.com/giBbelrmyT
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) September 5, 2021
Opera singers dubbed with dial up modems is the answer
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) September 5, 2021
pic.twitter.com/daiG0lVqjw
Greg Davies, Alex Horne, Boris Johnson, Daniel Radcliffe, Greg Wallace and maybe Jesus if he’s not booked during filming
— Jake Colling (@jakecolling_) September 2, 2021
With Bob Mortimer and Joe Wilkinson as the hosts!
— Kirsty (@TygrrsEye) September 2, 2021
ABBA are the only palindromic act to have a palindromic hit (SOS) in a palindromic genre (pop)
— SHANE REACTION (@imshanereaction) September 4, 2021
— possibly maybe ale (@exploding_girl) September 5, 2021
In case the Sainsbury’s security guard wants to know why I’ve stripped off outside the gents… pic.twitter.com/fa0ggcH8nj
— Paul Kerensa (@paulkerensa) September 5, 2021
F̶l̶i̶p̶p̶i̶n̶g̶ t̶h̶e̶ b̶i̶r̶d̶
— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) September 5, 2021
The bird, flipping pic.twitter.com/zoX1OKJKpk
Remembering, with envy and regret, the generous abandon of my first few squeezes from this toothpaste tube, as I gamely eke out the final cloggings at the end. When will we learn?
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) September 6, 2021
It’s not weird that babies wake up and immediately start crying. It’s actually weird that no one else does. It’s the most appropriate reaction to a new day.
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) September 4, 2021
That’s game over already for the marriage surely… 😂😂😂 https://t.co/atsk8E6lTt
— Chris Stark (@Chris_Stark) September 7, 2021
People in the UK…"It's a short 30 minute walk."
— Joe Henegan (@Joe_Henegan) September 7, 2021
People in the US…"It's a short 3 hour drive."
Grant Shapps unveils his solution for the shortage of lorry drivers: pic.twitter.com/66yMgJn2iv
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) September 7, 2021
Saw a guy pushing a pram while on roller skates AND on phone. Dad and kid both happy. I nearly stopped him and asked how much he’d charge to run my life from here.
— Mark Watson, the guy with that book, 'Contacts' (@watsoncomedian) September 7, 2021
That’s tomorrow’s breakfast show sorted then. Night guys x https://t.co/UqWF1DvOPM
— Greg James (@gregjames) September 7, 2021
2016: We're going to take back control of our fishing industry.
— The Poke (@ThePoke) September 8, 2021
2021: Is it just me or does this fish taste like actual crap?#Brexit pic.twitter.com/2VeazguBfs
If you post this chart five times a boomer comes round your house and bores you to death complaining about how they didn’t buy takeaways pic.twitter.com/C2mZdVS21s
— Lucy Watson (@Lucywwatson) September 6, 2021
Genuinely one of the strangest exchanges I've seen in a gov't presser.
— Alex Andreou (@sturdyAlex) September 7, 2021
LK: Not everyone will pay. In fact the poorest will pay.
BJ: Yes, but everyone will benefit.
THAT'S THE POINT. pic.twitter.com/HhkOaapVvp
If Jeff Bezos stopped earning any money, and used the rest of his life to spend a million dollars a day, it’d take him 410 years to get to the end of it. pic.twitter.com/5QfdvbAv93
— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) September 8, 2021
Note to self. Next time you try and have a break from the booze. Don’t count the days on your twitter account that has half a million followers. The pressure is intense.
— Rob Beckett (@robbeckettcomic) September 8, 2021
A guide to going out:
— Dave (@davechannel) September 8, 2021
1. Worry about going out and having to be sociable for about a week before you have to actually go out
2. Go out
3. This is worse than you could have ever imagined there are people everywhere and none of this is your sofa
Going to spend the evening ringing Tory MPs from a withheld number…😉 https://t.co/x41nBPums1
— Tim Farron (@timfarron) September 8, 2021
Every recipe requiring shallots: requires one shallot
— Chaminda Jayanetti (@cjayanetti) September 8, 2021
Every shop selling shallots: only sells bags of 20 shallots
I don’t mean to be unkind… but the irony is that this tweet is both ignorant and divisive! https://t.co/L4mE6AGamB
— Tim Farron (@timfarron) September 8, 2021
It’s not uncommon to hear of people leaving paid employment to do ‘the thing they love’.
— Dave Walker (@davewalker) September 8, 2021
Less common to hear of people leaving ‘the thing they love, but turn out not to be that great at’, and returning to paid employment.
Anyone done it?
I am so grateful for my parents. I didn’t realize until very recently how lucky I was to not be raised by psychopaths. https://t.co/iYpYIOBRWN
— Josh Gad (@joshgad) September 9, 2021
I’ve had dogs since I was 9 years old and I swear a large chunk of my time with each one has been spent expecting them to eventually talk.
— Bella Mackie (@bellamackie) September 8, 2021
Why cant millennials afford homes?
— Dr Ben Janaway (@drjanaway) September 8, 2021
Av House prices:
1970: £4057
2021: £ 250, 772 (62x increase)
Av Annual pay:
1970: £1204
2021: £29,600 (24.6x increase)
1970: House is 3.37 x salary
2021: House is 8.47 x salary
Now tell us we are lazy.
Top Tip: Don't name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) September 9, 2021
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Time is simply terrifying! https://t.co/gQJRbEXIDj
— Bella Mackie (@bellamackie) September 10, 2021
Ikea to open store on London’s Oxford St – famed for its easy access and cheap parking.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) September 10, 2021
— Alex Horne (@AlexHorne) September 10, 2021
Charles Dickens was a journalist before he became an author – he worked for two local newspapers
— jam (@jammzin) September 9, 2021
– it was the Bicester Times and it was the Worcester Times
I am obsessed with my neighbour’s dog Duke…he’s one of many lockdown pups now being rehomed. (£4k daschunds were going for….I said to ‘people, give a year and you’ll get one for free’) HE IS ROYALTY. pic.twitter.com/l1DA5izofi
— Shaparak Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) September 10, 2021
I find the injunction ‘think for yourself' very stirring – until I remember that I could never have conceived of 99% of the concepts I rely on every day to survive. I’m extremely grateful to those who have thought for me.
— Hugh Laurie (@hughlaurie) September 10, 2021
Great news, as picking up stuff from distribution centres and delivering it to shops famously involves not reversing HGVs pic.twitter.com/Y2TPahrhfQ
— CARPET (@WHS_Carpet) September 10, 2021
Anything to add...?