Man realises 10 years too late that his dishwasher shelves were adjustable.
Forget 10,000 steps, and do 3 x brisk 10min walks.
Obama 2010 SOTU – 48 million
Bush 2003 – 62.1 million
Bush 2002 – 51.8 million
Clinton 1998 – 53.1 million
Clinton 1994 – 45.8 millionNielsen sent this info out yesterday lol https://t.co/LOG8najqXl
— Steven Perlberg (@perlberg) February 1, 2018
Crazy fool. #LEGO #HappyBirthdayBrick pic.twitter.com/bXX2WgZgXq
— Darwin Award 🔞 (@AwardsDarwin) January 28, 2018
Can't decide whether to watch Piers Morgan interview Donald Trump, or to remove my own cornea with a hot spoon.
— cluedont (@cluedont) January 28, 2018
Oh.#TrumpMorgan https://t.co/6cZEgI5wLl
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) January 28, 2018
Son begged to stay up to watch interview I argued it’d add nothing to his knowledge of world. I appear to be right. #TrumpMorgan
— Gabby Logan (@GabbyLogan) January 28, 2018
Ingvar Kamprad – the man behind IKEA – died over the weekend. I never knew IKEA is an acronym of his name (IK). The E and A are Elmtaryd (the farm where he grew up) and Agunnaryd (his home village).
— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) January 29, 2018
When you are open about depression and anxiety people mark you down as a miserable person. I'm not a miserable person. I'm an intense person. When I feel happiness or love I feel those things intensely, and I feel pain intensely. It's the price of feeling.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) January 29, 2018
How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music.
How to feel time: write.
How to waste time: type 'Donald Trump' into your Twitter search box.— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) January 29, 2018
People who adopt cats just for selfies don’t deserve us 😾 https://t.co/b6UHncwSj8
— Palmerston the Cat (@PalmerstonFOCat) January 30, 2018
You can be gruntled (satisfied), kempt (combed), couth (polite), ruthful (full of compassion), whelmed (capsized), and gorm-like (have an intelligent look about you). And, for a while in the 1600s, you could be shevelled too. https://t.co/eoQTb7FHLy
— Susie Dent (@susie_dent) January 30, 2018
Looking to crowdfund a cover of Honey Honey by ABBA but performed by Winnie the Pooh and that terrifying monster from the Sugar Puffs packet.
— Fergus Butler-Gallie (@_F_B_G_) January 29, 2018
“I am not a quitter” says Theresa May using the words David Cameron used just before he quit.
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) January 31, 2018
In light of the Lord Bates debacle, the government releases its official resignation guidelines: pic.twitter.com/2oi720jfEE
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) February 1, 2018
Portillo says Rees-Mogg favourite to replace May as he has “all the things the public want” ie. a cushy job, a stately home and a massive inheritance.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) February 2, 2018
It's a lovely bit of husband-trolling that Melania Trump only follows five people and one of them is Barack Obama.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) February 2, 2018
FOOLPROOF phrases to shout during the #SixNations if you don't understand Rugby:
Touchdown
Rugby it faster
Attack the egg!
Scrum his face off
Expelliarmus#DaveHashtag— Dave (@davechannel) February 2, 2018
If ever there was a perfect metaphor for Brexit …. This guy nails it!!
Lord Lisvane is a boss!pic.twitter.com/ArjgF37Wis— Femi (@Femi_Sorry) January 31, 2018
Leaked report identifies 3 key reasons why electorate believes Theresa May must continue as leader:
1.Jacob
2.Rees
3.Mogg— The Poke (@ThePoke) February 2, 2018
See what they did there. #GroundhogDay2018 pic.twitter.com/vfSChbA25p
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) February 2, 2018
Our dog Paddy brought our cat Felix into the house this evening and lovingly placed him in front of the fire. Yes, that was such a sweet thing to do…except for the fact that Felix was buried on Tuesday. Hence I am on the wine.
— Tallcailín (@tallcailin) February 2, 2018
Right, new month, new me 👍👍😜🤔 pic.twitter.com/huvVxtPF5U
— 🤣 The Dad Joke Man 😉 (@DadJokeMan) February 2, 2018
Yes but pic.twitter.com/ipMCaz6e9c
— Brilliant Ads (@Brilliant_Ads) February 3, 2018
A typical microwave oven uses more electricity keeping its digital clock on standby than it does heating food.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 3, 2018
D-O-M-H-N-A-L-L IT’S FUCKING EASY pic.twitter.com/o4QdbRoeK8
— iana (@yorgosIanthimos) February 1, 2018
Ever broken the speed limit?
Our listener Linda told @thejeremyvine how a single speeding motorist took away her entire family. https://t.co/YQmwFCofgX pic.twitter.com/kXWqSEf8FH— BBC Radio 2 (@BBCRadio2) February 3, 2018
Great catch up with my girls! #bffs always ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ the future is looking spicy!
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