ineke.co.uk

😳😆😂 pic.twitter.com/1nQpiuNJSP

— Anne Wheaton (@AnneWheaton) July 1, 2020

Much like the pandemic, this vintage store warning sign escalated quickly pic.twitter.com/wm9LMVw7Dx

— Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) June 30, 2020

man i be overthinking these pic.twitter.com/qZ6vdVRdMh

— drunkestein🏳️ (@ahmedheshamm4) June 26, 2020

New Zealand:
“Our PM has kept the number of Covid deaths down to 22”

UK:
“So?! We may have over 60,000 deaths from Covid but our PM can do a press-up!”

New Zealand:
[looks ashamed] pic.twitter.com/gvIxKhw63Y

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 28, 2020

Palm Beach, Florida reduced to ridiculous Sitcom level. pic.twitter.com/AdCOgty2cd

— Michael Warburton (@mikewarburton) June 27, 2020

Clapham Common, Bournemouth Beach, Durdle Door, Liverpool

This country really does have a horrendous litter problem. Whose job do people think this is? #ClearYourMess pic.twitter.com/FGhIYvLZCA

— Theo Bird (@TheonlyBird) June 28, 2020

“Donut?”
“No thanks. Do you have any fruit?”
“This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.” pic.twitter.com/p8QjLj5vsk

— SimpsonsQOTD (@SimpsonsQOTD) June 28, 2020

Nothing brings out the social media racists quite like an Archbishop explaining that Jesus wasn’t white…

— Martin “Hercule Pivot” Saunders 🤦🏻‍♂️ (@martinsaunders) June 28, 2020

A question that has just come up in conversation with my daughter. What is the plural of 'man-child'?

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) June 28, 2020

I don't think anything I've seen so perfectly captures why there's no way the US is going to be getting on top of COVID-19 pandemic anytime soon. pic.twitter.com/Sa0WNYyYs6

— Cassandra of Troy (@BrynnTannehill) June 28, 2020

Satire from the football commentator on Newcastle’s St James’s Park

‘From the top you can see for miles and miles – probably as far as Barnard Castle if you’re eyesight is good enough’

— Joel Taylor (@JoelTaylorhack) June 28, 2020

So help me God…. A Staycation is NOT a holiday in the same country you live in. That’s been happening for ever. It didn’t need a name. A Staycation is a holiday where you stay at your own home and do holiday things from there (visit museums, attractions in your own town etc.).

— Dara Ó Briain (@daraobriain) June 28, 2020

There is something wrong with a church that has more American flags than crosses. When the flag is more prominent than the cross, you are worshipping America, not Jesus. pic.twitter.com/VK1f0dCinV

— Shane Claiborne (@ShaneClaiborne) June 29, 2020

Why aren’t we surrounded by ads normalising masks? Masks with club crests on them, or band names, or Cath Kidson designs? Why aren’t we seeing the words "Brought to you by the MASK MARKETING BOARD”? Posters of masked celebs? Shouldn’t that be happening?

— Dara Ó Briain (@daraobriain) June 29, 2020

'Netherlandish Proverbs' is a 1559 painting by Pieter Bruegel the Elder that depicts over 100 proverbs, including 'to bang one's head against a brick wall', 'to be armed to the teeth' and 'to run like one's backside is on fire'. pic.twitter.com/yFlcLQioKX

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) June 30, 2020

LAST WEEK:
"It's too hot"
"Can't cope in this heat"
"I'm melting"
"I haven't stopped sweating in four days"
"I am 90% sun cream"
"If anyone wants me, I'll be in the freezer"

THIS WEEK:
"Rain? Typical."

— innocent drinks (@innocent) June 30, 2020

In Charlie and the chocolate factory Grandpa Joe does absolutely nothing for years and then gets to go to a chocolate factory. The moral of the story is if you can't be bothered today it'll probably just work itself out anyway.

— Dave (@davechannel) June 30, 2020

"Economic growth accompanied by worsening social outcomes is not success, it is failure" Jacinda Ardern pic.twitter.com/dHoFJePWFS

— The Female Lead (@the_female_lead) June 27, 2020

This comment exchange is EVERYTHING TO ME right now. pic.twitter.com/Si1N7GAM6J

— Alex Andreou (@sturdyAlex) June 29, 2020

for someone who keeps her cards close to her chest, this is the former PM properly furious https://t.co/igA4P8a0Wz

— Laura Kuenssberg (@bbclaurak) June 30, 2020

John Cleese’s father changed his surname by deed poll from its original ‘Cheese’.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) June 30, 2020

Take it from a husband who saw the women he loves often reduced to tears over insensitive comments in this area… pic.twitter.com/k42ruaEFFw

— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) July 1, 2020

I think the pubs are opening because the government wants us drunk enough to think they are doing a good job.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) July 2, 2020

Person having the worst day today: outside my house, the driver of the W5 has accidentally pressed the "THIS BUS IS UNDER ATTACK – PLEASE DIAL 999" announcement button, and doesn't know how to cancel it. It broadcasts from a speaker on the roof.

— Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) July 2, 2020

Most weekends, we admit somebody to ITU because they’ve had too much to drink, we need to put a tube into their windpipe to stop them choking on their vomit until they sober up. They’re fairly easy to manage and usually go home the next day…

— Dave Jones 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿🏳️‍🌈 (@WelshGasDoc) July 1, 2020

No but I’m a girl who’s family relied on free school meals, council housing, breakfast clubs etc and now I’m a doctor? Get outttttt 🥺

— black lives matter🇨🇩 (@proceeeding) July 1, 2020

🚨EXCLUSIVE: The Prime Minister’s father has ignored the Foreign Office travel warning to visit his holiday home in Greece.

Speaking from the balcony of his villa last night, Stanley Johnson urged his son to sort out air bridges and said Brits pose ‘no danger’ to Greece. pic.twitter.com/0EiZU2MMsW

— Tom Payne (@TomEPPayne) July 2, 2020

Who's Gary? pic.twitter.com/p0RGasLwH6

— Jay Foreman (@jayforeman) July 1, 2020

In other news… I might have hit a low standards peak – I just wiped my hands on my dog after a meal as I couldn’t be bothered to get a tea towel…

— Miranda Hart (@mermhart) July 2, 2020

IDEA FOR PODCAST: I re-watch every episode of Grand Designs and try to work out what was going wrong in their marriage that they thought building a house would fix.

— Hannah George (@HannahMGeorge) July 1, 2020

I’m such a continuity watcher 😂 Sam @zachbraff pic.twitter.com/u9yqterxfd

— Sam & Mark (@samandmarktv) July 2, 2020

When the pubs open on Saturday please remember to be safe. When the first pint is dropped it will create a WAHEY that has been stored in people's mouths for 4 months, it will be so loud it will shatter windows and set off car alarms for miles. Stay vigilant.

— Dave (@davechannel) July 2, 2020

Japanese beer cans have the word ‘beer’ printed on them in Braille, so that visually impaired people don’t mistake them for soft drinks.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) July 2, 2020

If the NHS is the very best of us then politicians who defund, destaff, outsource and privatise it – all the while claiming the opposite – are the very worst. https://t.co/yxnc8B4qRo

— Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) July 2, 2020

SOMETIMES LOVE TRANSCENDS ALL BARRIERS https://t.co/L256E05KPZ

— David O'Doherty (@phlaimeaux) July 2, 2020

I am convinced that reading books and buying books are two separate hobbies.

— CaffeinatedCovers (@CaffeinatedCov) July 1, 2020

Lockdown with toddler update:

He has watched so much Wallace and Gromit he thinks he’s meant to shake his hands like this whenever he says “cheese” pic.twitter.com/FKfXRRlCbA

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) July 2, 2020

331 coronavirus deaths in the UK in the last 48 hours.

Government opening the pubs up on Saturday 👍

— Liam Young (@liamyoung) July 1, 2020

"Mummy, what's his name?"

The charming moment an expert's daughter interrupts her live on TV 🦄https://t.co/GKXX7M77Ik pic.twitter.com/G3y98teNZx

— BBC News (UK) (@BBCNews) July 2, 2020

Played her like a fiddle. Two biscuits is a great result 🍪 pic.twitter.com/v9ZNvcH1PP

— Jake Armstrong (@Jake__Armstrong) July 2, 2020

📣Lots of readers warning each other on Facebook and local newsletters that parking enforcement are “back patrolling again”. Firstly, they’ve never not been. Secondly, good!
Imagine the pavements and junctions if we didn’t have a little balance.#THINKPedestrian #ParkSmart pic.twitter.com/RuzMXiGFo0

— RunnymedeBeat (@RunnymedeBeat) July 2, 2020

We all want to look back at lockdown and think we have done something constructive and meaningful👇🏻pic.twitter.com/83qxXC3gCW

— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) July 2, 2020

Not having this, like. https://t.co/IuHDHsryis

— Chris Ramsey (@IAmChrisRamsey) July 3, 2020

“I don’t believe in gestures” https://t.co/nK1broNkLm pic.twitter.com/vMVzia8Lup

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) July 3, 2020

I'm old enough to remember when he said we should clap for bankers two days ago https://t.co/6Bs66aZ1XO

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) July 3, 2020

In the latest episode of One Rule For Us, One Rule For Them: https://t.co/0XOmp81YVg

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) July 3, 2020

December 2019:
“We have an oven-ready deal! Ready to go!”

July 2020:
“No Deal would be a very good option” pic.twitter.com/Z2RgbntCBv

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) July 3, 2020

Millennial culture is suppressing your urge to use emojis in emails to seem professional, then instantly worrying that your tone came across as rude 🙃

— AB (@AimeeFBailey) April 24, 2019

Sounds like Boris has already been to the pub.
“Contact tasting.. I mean tracing, testing.. contract tasting”

— Serena (@serenab_) July 3, 2020

How wonderful is this?! pic.twitter.com/cV0Tn2zNjN

— Mr Deputy Head (@PrimaryDeputyH) June 30, 2020

Important warning ⚠️ pic.twitter.com/FvH6Wt6SiH

— You Had One Job! (@_youhadonejob1) July 3, 2020

EXCLUSIVE: List of confirmed opening times for Super Saturday.

11:00 – Red Lion
12:00 – King's Head
13:00 – Royal Oak
14:00 – Rose and Crown
21:00 – NHS Nightingale

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) July 4, 2020

You gotta feel sorry for hairdressers today. What are they gonna talk about? No one is going on holiday this year. Just cutting hair in silence with a mask and goggles on.

— Rob Beckett (@robbeckettcomic) July 4, 2020

Remember: you don’t have to drink 8 pints. Just boast about having the *capacity* to drink 8 pints and promise to hit 100,000 pints a day by the end of the month.

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) July 3, 2020

Excuses not to go for a walk:

– “it’s a bit blustery”
– “it’s going to chuck it down”
– “I’ll have to get changed”
– “I’m expecting a delivery”
– “my knee’s killing me”
– “can’t be arsed”

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) July 4, 2020

Dear England, Super Spreader Saturday is not to be confused with Second Spike Saturday, which is scheduled to take place in a couple of weeks. #pubsopening #supersaturday #dyingforapint #coronavirus

— Prince Charles (@Charles_HRH) July 4, 2020

How long has he been back in the UK from America? Quarantine is 14days, right? That is the law? https://t.co/hjrZ68xvWE

— tom jamieson (@jamiesont) July 4, 2020

Thought I had an addiction to Rightmove because I liked looking at property; I've now realised I just like looking at tidy houses.

— Lucy Beaumont justice 4 #ElijahMcClain (@LucyABeaumont) July 3, 2020

Chris Whitty… The true legend of the daily briefings. Thank you, sir, for trying your best to make eejits see sense. https://t.co/Hon6d6VQZC

— Nicci (@SunnyBuzzyBlogs) July 3, 2020

Stanley Johnson explains Boris Johnson.

— Peter Smith (@Redpeter99) July 2, 2020

Citations needed pic.twitter.com/88W5tPp3rK

— Frank Cottrell-Boyce (@frankcottrell_b) July 1, 2020

Meanwhile, on Facebook pic.twitter.com/T0jLpeCNWf

— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) June 30, 2020

why don’t I ever see people kissing in trees? I mean there’s a famous song about it

— eLëni (@eleniZarro) June 28, 2020

"rewind 5 seconds pls"

vhs player: it is done my friend

"rewind 5 seconds pls"

netflix: i’ve taken you back 7 seasons to the pilot episode lol

— Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) June 28, 2020